Ah, that this bloody unicorn should always follow me!


Verily, I wish to turn from that accusing horn,

Enchanted lust that haunts uneasy tossing in my dreams

Repeatedly she lays my reputation bare to scorn.

Yet what is left for me to gain? Experience by dawn?


Reality shall dance before my still-affronted eyes,

Electing to ignore the wondrous beast that looms so near;

Love eludes me still, alas, in any fleshly guise,

Unicorns persistently scent all my nervous fear…

Carnality avoiding me… 'twill make my fellows sneer.

Taunt me, lovely unicorn, with cherry-spotting nose,

Aroint you, vision of delight, disperse unerring gift!

Note, I detest your ardency, so amorous your pose,

Tonight you'll not appear to me; my status shall I shift.


Virginity's a toilsome thing for soldier boys like me,

I never hip my hands, nor dare to linger in a shower,

Right or wrong I need to find a lady who, for fee,

Gold or silver, what the hell! She'll cut the creature's power.

In bed or haystack, care I not! I need complicity,

Never mind her pedigree, so long as I'm deflowered.


Perhaps I'll slip away this morning, while we're on parade?

Unicorns that follow me put fellows off their step

Tonight I'll sleep unslobbered on by equinescal maids,

Surely ladies of the night will hand me self-respect?


Hail to luscious kitchengirls and nymphets on the loose!

I beg, divest me of my notoriety so pure,

Slip knowing hands within my breeches, give me bellied proof,


So I can swat the unicorns; their absence to ensure.

And feel myself a proper man, by action, not by ruse,

Direct me in the proper way; I've never been a wooer.


Clasp me in your loving arms, or scream my name aloud!

As we enact the sweaty dance that unicorns detest,

Slip me kisses for my coins, and make my father proud

Evict my inexperience, in charity, so blessed!